Unlearning & Becoming

I am 50 years old. Divorced. My children are grown, and I am single.

And now I’m learning how to deal with this stage of my life — the part no one really prepares you for. My knee hurts. My body aches. Sometimes I walk with a limp. I even have a cane, but I don’t use it because I don’t want to look old. So instead, I limp quietly, hoping no one notices.

If I’m honest, sometimes I feel embarrassed. I think, who would want someone who walks with a limp? Who would want someone with aches and pains? Those thoughts creep in when I least expect them.

Starting over at 50 feels confusing. I tried Facebook Dating. That didn’t work out, so I canceled it. Right now, I don’t even know if online dating is for me. I just pray that God will send someone who loves me for who I am — at this age, in this season.

Some days I feel lonely. But I’m also happy. And that’s the confusing part. I’m happy and free, yet still adjusting.

There are practical things I’m learning too. Taking the garbage out. Putting gas in my own car. Getting the oil changed. Checking the air in my tires. For years, those were things I didn’t have to think about. Now it’s me. And while it feels unusual, it also feels empowering.

So I made a decision: I’m going to live.

The other day I used my Angel app — the Christian movie app where I pay for the extra membership and get free tickets. I redeemed one and went to the movies by myself. I got off work, came home, and prepared as if I were going on a real date. I did my hair. I put on foundation and lipstick. I stepped out looking glamorous — for me.

I bought popcorn and a drink. I chose a good middle seat. I laughed. I cried. I enjoyed myself.

Afterward, I went and bought myself a pair of shoes I had been wanting for a while.

That night meant more than just a movie. It meant I am not waiting. I am living.

Have I cried? Yes. But I’m not crying over the loss of him. If I’m honest, I cry because sometimes I feel like I wasted so much of my life. I met him when I was 27. Now I’m 50. That’s a long time.

But I also remind myself — I did it. I left. I chose myself. I said enough was enough.

And that matters.

My daughter even scheduled me for a cruise in October. I’ve never been on a cruise before. I’m excited. I’m open. I’m planning to do something each week — maybe another movie, maybe something new — just to keep stepping forward.

My goal is simple: to live the rest of my life happy.

Not perfect.
Not pain-free.
Not pretending.

Just happy.

And open to whatever new thing God has for me next.